A GOP classic updated to 2.0. Taylor Swift Boating.


You gotta love the GOP, I mean, seriously. They’re just so cute when they go all Don Rickles and shit. This always keeps coming off like the kid with plastic frame glasses and a pocket protector telling the bully, “Oh yeah? Sez you!” The outcome is usually about the same too, a clip across the chops, and no lunch money.

And now the Republicans have a brand new chew toy to play with. Taylor Swift. Swift is a popular singer, who has in the past avoided politics like an off key note. But this year, thanks to the antics of Don Cornholeone and the Hole In The Head Gang, she has been moved not only to promote voter registration and participation, but to state that she will be backing Democrats in two key Tennessee races.This is a real problem for the GOP, considering that Taylor Swift has over 100 million Twitter followers, as compared to His Lowness’ paltry 17 million. It’s also very personal for the Toddler in Chief, since celebrity approval is something he craves almost as much as Cheetos. When your “star power” supporters are basically Scott Baio and Pat Boone, it can give a third rate reality star a real inferiority complex.

The problem is that the GOP can’t attack Swift directly, not with her following. So, to deal with Swift, they’ve dragged out a golden moldy from their glory days of yore. They’ll “:swift boat” her instead. If you can’t attack the person directly, attack their honor and credibility instead.

The tactic gets its name from the George W Bush reelection campaign in 2004. Bush was running against John Kerry, a decorated purple heart Vietnam war veteran. This was a bad comparison, since Bush himself had a habit of not being able to walk a straight flight line, and tended to sacrifice national guard training flights at the alter of Aqua Brewda. So they attacked Kerry’s record and medals instead of Kerry himself, cobbling together a fraudulent group of “swift boat vets,” who maligned Kerry’s record and bravery. A truly filthy tactic, but then again, dignity and honor were never strong suits for “W”.

The White House Ministry of Propaganda, FOX News immediately jumped into the fray. They tried playing the shame card first, gleefully showing Taylor Swift, standing frozen in shock, an award in her hands, while the Trump of Rap, Kanye West threw a temper tantrum on behalf of Beyonce, whom Swift had beaten for the top award. The clear implication was that Swift had “stolen” the award from the better qualified Beyonce.

But then FOX really shot the moon, and hilarity ensued. They did their best impersonation of your mother, after hearing that you flipped your teacher the bird. They weren’t angry, they were just deeply, deeply disappointed. Host after host sadly explained how it would have been so much more appropriate for Swift to promote voter registration and participation without stooping to the gutter level of actually endorsing particular candidates. Especially filthy, disgusting Demon-Rats! That’s right, I said Demon-Rats! This coming from a network that has an end table at the arm of the sofa, with a gilt framed portrait of Trump, a vase with roses, and flickering votive candles.

Even The Pampers President had a measured response, that is to say as measured of a response that you can get from someone a couple of inches short of  ruler. He sadly shook his cotton candy topped head and said that he”likes her 25% less now.” Considering the fact that “Blood on the Leaves” is now the official soundtrack blasting through the Oval Office, I’m guessing that Trump only liked Taylor Swift about 10% to start with, so she’s down to a 7.5% approval rating for him now. She must be crying herself to sleep at night.

Times change, tastes change, but the GOP stays petrified in the amber of the past. Twenty years ago, Andrew Dice Clay filled concert halls. Today, he’s working a show lounge in Vegas. Like Clay, the GOP never got the memo, sleaze is out this year.

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