Trump Signs America First Monroe Doctrine To Redress Egregious Slights By Canada

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Crooked Canada, led by weak and dishonest Justin Trudeau, is celebrating Canada Day and it’s a little bit too close to the 4th of July for Donald Trump’s comfort. It’s bad enough the Canadians have the nerve to bar-b-que and set off fireworks but that liberal Bob Rae saying “Canada First, Last and Always,” on Twitter no less, has really frosted the tariff-ist in chief and he’s not lying down for it. While teeing off on the links today Trump stated, “I’m gonna lob tariffs across the border until they think it’s a hail storm.” And that’s not all. Patheos:

…many political wonks on FOX News [have] noted America First means the United States of America owns the entire month of July. And this year Trump is making that dream come true by signing the America First Monroe Doctrine of July (AFMDJ) executive order.

The AFDMJ states in plain language the official policy of the United States of America concerning the month of July. It was penned personally by President Trump:

America is the best country the world has ever seen. It’s great. It’s big. And it’s so much better than countries who have a leader named Justin. Justin is a name of that kid who gets straight As and has a father who hugs him. Worse, your daughter likes Justin and I’m not talking about like as in liking a puppy, folks. We’re talking about Ivanka wanting Justin Trudeau’s love child and running away with him to live happily ever after. Disgusting.

I like Andrew Jackson and Julius Caesar. I like mini hotdogs in between my toes. July is for freedom, the sanctity of the father-daughter relationship, and America, America, America! All other countries who have a holiday in July need to get out. I’m building a beautiful big wall around July.

Sorry, France, this means Bastille Day is moving out now.

Any country who doesn’t move its holiday immediately, then the next time I see you I’m having that Bolton fella smack you over the head with an aluminum folding chair.

Word on the street is that Trump is planning to crash the Ribfest in Etobicoke Park, Toronto. ”It is as difficult a day as we have ever faced as a country,” said Bob Rae. Traffic to the popular fest has been rerouted in order to give shoe smugglers, the new folk heroes of Canada, priority seating. Mike Pence is concerned that shoe scuffing (“to make them look old”) will lead to cross dressing and you know what that can lead to. Pence recommends the Canadian Parliament drafts aversion therapy legislation at once and he’ll show ‘em how.

Trump has announced that starting immediately Canadians will have to pay double rates at any of his hotels and if they don’t like it they can get accomodations at that very warm subterranean locale that is holding a reservation for Justin Trudeau. Further, Trump has suggested that the next thing you know gangs of Canadians will be roaming the streets of American cities and you won’t be able to step out of your house. Accordingly, DHS has increased security along the 49th parallel and Jeff Sessions is consulting scripture. /s

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