Welcome back bunkies! It’s been quite a while since I did one of these things, but lately, Trump has spewed out quite a bit of garble that is almost incomprehensible. To understand what the doddering old twit is actually talking about, you need to be able to translate his statements from his native Trumpestani into plain English. And, having spent the last the last three years banished to Trumpmenistan to study him, I’m here to help.
Trumpistani: Based on Justin’s false statements at his news conference
English: That snotty little twerp is at least an inch taller than me! He needs to be bent over more when we’re standing together to show the proper respect.
Trumpistani: I don’t need preparation, I’ve been preparing for this moment for my entire life.
English: Melania is back in the White House, and these Asian women are so hot! Let the good times roll, baby!
Trumpistani: We’re like the world’s piggie bank, and everybody keeps robbing us!
English: I’m gonna need a bunch of suckers and fall guys to blame for that new $1 trillion hole I just blew in the budget.
Trumpistani: I’m not saying “Gee, I hope things will change.” I’m saying “Things will change, 100%
English: Pay attention, will ya? I didn’t say that things were gonna change for the better, I just said that they’re gonna change, 100%
Trumpistani: I’ll know in a minute if he’s serious or not.
English: If he rolls his eyes when I tell him about my thrilling electoral college victory, I am so outta there!
Trumpistani: It’s going to be something that will always be spur of the moment.
English: If somebody walks into the room holding a camera, I’m standing up and shaking hands.
Trumpistani: Whatever happens, this will be a one shot deal
English: Unless of course he says nice things about me, then I’ll invite him to the White House
Trumpistani: There has been NO COLLUSION!
English: To have collusion, there has to be an agreement to act together. That never happened. Putin just told me what to say and do, and I did it. See? No collusion!
Trumpistani: What can I say? Rudy is Rudy. But, he’s doing a great job!
English: Boy, can I pick ’em or what? That silly old bastard actually makes me sound sane and logical!
On Rudy Giuliani’s statement that he couldn’t “respect” a porn star like Stormy Daniels
Trumpistani: I can’t argue with Rudy on that one
English: Hell, I don’t respect any women, why should Stormy Daniels get special treatment?
I hope this helps to clear up some of the confusion. Rest assured, I’ll be back whenever the ground starts to look like Minnesota in February from all of the people scratching their heads about what His Lowness is prattling on about. Ta-ta for now.